While most people don't talk publicly about it, many women love to have rough sex. Not all the time, but if there is trust - then dirty, aggressive sex will go long way to further establish healthy sexual relationships.
That's the one thing 50 Shades of Grey movie did well - they exposed us to the attraction of this rough polarity, play, and showing the hidden sexiness in learning how to have rough sex with your partner.
After over 20 hours of scouring over hundreds of other couple rough sex tips, reading books, and my own trial & error, this guide will be your handbook on what ACTUALLY works:
What Is Rough Sex? How does It look Like?
Rough sex is an aggressive sex with clearly expressed polarities.
One partner usually a man is dominant and submissive willingly surrenders to him gaining immense pleasure from it.
Here's Wikipedia's definition of Dominance and Submission:
Dominance and submission (also called D/s) is a set of behaviours, customs, and rituals involving the submission of one person to another in an erotic episode or lifestyle.
It is a subset of BDSM.
Physical contact is not necessary, and D/s can be conducted anonymously over the telephone, email, or other messaging systems.
In other cases, it can be intensely physical.
In this case we'll focus on the bedroom part, which includes physical and also verbal dominance.
Here are words of encouragement if you think it's hard to find a partner who can balance nasty rough sex and then a romantic sweet relationships:
“It’s quite possible to find (or grow) people who can do both.”
“In my marriage, I’m the sexually dominant part while my wife is in full control of most, if not all, other aspects of our relationship and our lives.
I’m horribly disorganized while she’s the complete opposite, and we both like it this way.
And, while I’m the as far from a natural romantic as you could possibly imagine, my wife is, yet again, the opposite of me, and she’s the one who taught me how to be romantic and tend to those aspects of her needs.
So maybe you shouldn’t expect to find someone who fulfils both parts right away, and instead be prepared to put in some work on the part that you feel is lacking in your partner?
A good relationship is built, not discovered by chance, after all.”
How To Have Rough Sex?
First of all, communicate.
There are women or men who don't like it. Some people don't know if they like rough sex until they try.
And most often you, man, haven't built enough trust and intimacy for her to enjoy rough sex with you.
Romantic, sweet, present sex comes first.
Rough, aggressive, dirty sex comes last.
But let's say you have a trusting partner, and you would like to explore and try rougher sex… If so..:
How Do You Initiate That Dirty, Rough Sex?
“Speak the words.”
“Whether it’s choking or spanking or pinning you down or hard strokes you have to let him know.
LSO include your boundaries and educate him on how to be rough without hurting you and how rough is too rough.
For example some girls just like a hand on their throat and others want to not be able to breath.
It might take some time.
Personally, I was a little uncomfortable at first with just how rough my girlfriend likes it but once I knew how to do it safely and how much pressure she could handle it’s been awesome.”
“For some reason young folks have this fantasy where they don’t actually tell their lover what they want.”
“Instead, the lover just magically knows.
That’s not how the world works.
Talk to your partner about what you like.
“Communication is paramount!”
“If you like it any certain way, say it.
The best sex I have had in my life has been with girls that were very vocal about what they wanted and how they wanted it.
If he’s doing something you really like, let him know.
If not, direct him.”
“Before having sex you could ask your partner what some turn on/turn offs are for them.”
“And then mention that one of your turn ons is rough sex.
Assuming this is in a relationship so that type of conversation wouldn’t be awkward.”
“Just physically communicate it.”
“Like outside of the bedroom, start by saying “so hey I was thinking about it, and I’d love to know your thoughts on ‘beating the shit out of me’ (joking obviously but you get the point) when we have sex”.
This way you can get a feel for it and also hash out boundaries if he/she’s into it.”
Do Women Like Rough Sex and Why?
Some women do like it, some dont…
Sometimes men can be rough too fast and you need to build up connection and trust before.
Coming next are several stories from men and women who explain their perspective and experiences on this topic:
“I’m a big guy. 240lb, over six foot tall, work out a lot. Every single woman I have EVER been with has liked rough sex. “
“I suspect there is a relation between the type of women attracted to me and my body type and personality.
That said, rough sex is kind of a spectrum in my experience.
What is too rough for one person is basically nothing to another. Some girls feel like a bit of hair pulling and an aggressive dicking down are all you need for it to be rough sex.
Other girls want to simulate rape as realistically as possible and that can get quiet violent.
I suspect that the girls who want light hair pulling would be absolutely mortified by what I have done with the the ones falling into the latter category.
I think it is still fair to call both rough sex even though they are magnitudes removed from each other in terms of violence.
I’m not sure any particular act makes something rough so much as the perspective of the participants.
If you feel like it’s rough sex, it is.
To deny that someone else likes rough sex because it doesn’t meet the standards you might set personally seems unfair.
It’s rough for them and that is good enough.”
Here's a helpful video you should watch about why (some) women like rough sex and 4 ideas for it:
Coming next is a great rant on how men can go too far with rough sex and it's very important to know and see the difference.
Start slow, communicate and remember that what you see in porn isn't how it works in real life…
Rough sex does not equal good sex
“I’ve come across a lot of guys that seem to have the misconception that if they just pound away, pull your hair, and shove their fingers in your mouth all girls are going to melt and fall in love.
It’s super super common in sexting — “baby I’m gonna destroy your ass and tear your cervix and pull your hair out.”
Full stop. Wtf dudes.
If you’re a dude that’s getting this crazy idea that ALL girls are dying to be obliterated during sex, from porn and not from signals from your real partner, please make sure to listen and pay attention!
I gave the okay for my partner to choke and slap me and then I had to tell him DONT choke me until my face is purple and DONT slap me like you’re trying to win a fight.
Sex is a dance between two people, not a one-man show with the girl used as a prop for any fantasy.
My first encounter with one guy, he was so rough but I was afraid to say anything and I was whimpering and moaning all right — but more in fear/pain, and he’s back there thinking I’m such a good slut just dying for the rough stuff.
Now that that’s behind me, I’ve watched a lot of porn where I hear the exact same noises from the girls.
Everyone should know this but PORN IS FAKE and I wouldn’t be surprised if half the hardcore videos feature girls that are either not into it or down right hate being impaled and hit.
Check in with your partner from time to time, ask if she’s still doing okay.
Some of the hardcore videos I watch are downright terrifying to me and I’ve had men try to recreate them without discussion thinking that I’d absolutely love it because the girls in the video are pretending to love it.
What’s also terrifying though is those sexters.
If I’m having a conversation with a guy and he pulls out the “spank you red, yank your hair hard, bend you backwards and choke you on this dick until you’re crying xoxo”…
I’m not continuing that conversation because seriously y’all are insane if you think every girl wants to be treated that rough.
Always listen, always build up after you’ve gotten the right signals, otherwise you’re gonna come across looking like a damn psycho.
Safe sex is so important so remember — wrap it up and tone it down.”
The Best Rough Sex Positions & Ideas
Are you looking for more rough sex ideas…?
How do you actually do it?
How do you start doing it?
As discussed above, it all starts with communication.
Afterwards the dominant basically takes charge and does whatever he pleases while taking account on what the submissive partner would like.
It's an interesting balance. Dominant is the one taking charge, but he also knows deep down what his submissive likes, so he just goes back and forth.
That's how I do it. I move to a rough doggy style position that I love…
Then I pull her hair and slap her ass, that I KNOW she loves.
I don't like dirty talk, or at least I'm not good at it, but because my girl loves it, I will whisper something dirty in her ear and then bite it.
It's a play. It's a play of surrender and awakening of your primal animal.
How does it feel like?
It feels like not thinking.
It feels like improvising, following, exploring your dirtiest urges…
I personally love going back and forth from rough sex to romantic, sweet sex within minutes.
Whatever you do, just remember:
POLARITY IS KEY.
Whether it's her dominating or you… There needs to be one taking charge, and other submitting.
But the #1 dominating rough sex position is simply a missionary with a twist. Get him/her in be restraints.
Anything that restricts movement.
For a succesful dominating sex it must feel real.
Just get a simple bed restraint kit like this and it will do the job.
Here are more ideas by other woman who love to be dominated:
“As a female who also loves being called “good girl” and dominated in bed, these are some things that I really enjoy:”
- “Being possessive: “Mmm this tight/hot/perfect little body/ass/pussy belongs to me.” “I love that you’re mine to play with and do whatever I want to.” Or just a simple “You’re mine” or “Mine” growled in the ear.
- Orgasm denial (only if this is something she is okay with, for many women, this can be totally frustrating): Him: “Do you want to cum?” Her: “Yes!” Him: “Beg for it/I want you to beg for it.” She begs. Him: “Louder”. She begs louder. This continues for as long as you want to tease her, then when you let her cum: “Good girl, you can cum now.”
- Other general praise/compliments: “You are so good at sucking me off/sucking my cock.” “I love your tight/hot/sexy little body/ass/pussy.” “You make me so hard.” “I want to cum in that tight/hot/wet little ass/mouth/pussy of yours.”
- Commenting on how desperate/horny she is: “I love how desperate you are for my cock” or “I love how desperate you want to get yourself off.”
- General commands/demands: “Come here.” “I love seeing you on your knees.” “I want you wet for me.” “Touch yourself.” “Spread your legs wide for me” (Saying “now” at the end of any of these commands drives me wild, or if she doesn’t like being ordered around, adding a “please” at the end of some these commands (e.g., “Get on your knees, please”) but said in an authoritative tone can also be sexy).
Of course, be aware of what language she prefers (hence the “/” for options).
If she doesn’t like the word “pussy” or “cock”, don’t use them or substitute for more preferred terms.”
“I’m a bit of a masochist according to my partner, so we have “rough sex” about 50% of the time.”
“Biting, hard hickeys down my stomach or the inside of my thighs, squeezing, pinching, holding tight on my hips and thrusting hard.
Then restraints (handcuffs or rope), scratching, grabbing my face/jaw with one hand, hair pulling to get me to look at him, twisting my nipples.
Commanding dirty talk (“if you don’t stay still I’m not giving you any more”), choking, spanking, and getting smacked on the face.
I’m really lucky to have a partner who supports my desires and takes care of me afterwards :)”
“For rough sex first-timers, the best safe word is “No” or “Stop.”
“Don’t worry about playing with pretend-lack-of-consent until you’ve gotten your feet wet and are a little more comfortable in general.
Choking: Super dangerous, even among people who know WTF they’re doing.
You can do fake-choking, where you put a hand on her throat and then put the bulk of the pressure straight up, PARALLEL to her neck, underneath her jaw.
It gives some of the same sensations, without running the risk of crushing her windpipe and killing her.
Slapping/spanking: Tailor your level of force to where you’re hitting.
Places where even light force can do lasting damage, like eyes, ears, and throat, are no-fly zones.
Sensitive spots, like nipples and clit, use LIGHT force, maybe only a single (likely moistened) finger.
Cheeks and ass, ramp up the amount of force until she either indicates you need to scale it back a notch or you’re leaving red marks while she makes happy noises.
If your hand is getting sore before she’s had enough, a belt or the back of a hairbrush (butt only — NOT THE FACE) are great tools.
DON’T DO ROPE UNTIL YOU’VE HAD SOMEONE TEACH IT TO YOU.
If you head that direction, plenty of BDSM groups will offer classes.
Rope play CAN be safe, but it can also leave permanent damage and do so very quickly.
Check in with each other, frequently. Insist that she let you know what’s working and what isn’t.
If she’s found any BDSM porn that’s really doing it for her, watch it together while she says “That, that, not that, YES THAT PLEASE….”
Snuggle afterwards. Aftercare is totally a thing. Physically reaffirm that you two love each other and were just playing.
Obey your own boundaries. If you’re not comfortable with something, you’ll need to either ramp up to it or just cross it off the menu. Her needs don’t trump yours.
And have fun.
Even if you don’t wind up identifying as a dom, satisfying your partner like this is a GREAT feeling. :-)”
“My girlfriend and I are very into BDSM, so what we consider rough is usually leaps and bounds over what vanilla people consider rough. “
“I’m the dom and she’s the sub so usually it’s me being rough on her, but I’ve definitely been on the receiving end before.
The stuff we would consider rough is hiding/flogging, slapping, biting, breathplay (choking), knifeplay, caning, rope bondage. She’s often bruised afterwards.”
“Having been the giver and receiver of rough sex, which I happen to like, rough sex can be face slapping, hair pulling, nipple twisting and genital slapping/grabbing sex. “
“Rough sex is having intercourse in a forceful way, slamming your body into hers or his.
It can also be sex with no lubrication, anal sex or oral sex where you push the girls head down as far on your penis as you can.
Spanking is part of it usually with girls.
I always ask the girl what she likes and then am guided accordingly.
With me it is a scene, an act and not done with real anger, although the pain and bruises are very real.
The last time I had rough sex with a dominant women she slapped and then punched my face.
She put nipple clips on my nipples and twisted them.
She punched me in my family jewels hard enough to bring me to my knees on the verge of vomiting.
She got on top of me and slapped me silly and then punched me in the face a few times.
After that she choked me until she had her orgasm.
Her orgasm trigged mine and we were done and went back to being friends again.
When I was the dom I would spank the girl or use a paddle.
Usually they liked hair pulling.
Face slapping was always popular.
Picking up the girl and moving her into various sexual positions was also part of it.
Basically the girl would tell me to do whatever I wanted and not to ask her permission.
The only limit was not to do anything that would require medical attention.
Some wanted very specific things while others wanted to be surprised.
Butt plugs are also good as well as anal beads.
I had a lot of toys.
A spreader bar works as well as tying up her hands and feet spread eagled.
Fisting is also an option if you are careful.
Humiliation can also be part of it.
I liked to make the girls pee while fully dressed to begin with.
Some went a little more dirtier than just pee.
Then I had them shower with cold water only before coming to bed.
Made them ask for permission to go to the bathroom and made them hold it in as long as they could before allowing it.
I urinated on show wetting their hair and body.
Even in their mouths if they were into water sports and humiliation.
I would also write on them with a sharpie saying things about them.
I thought that a Sharpie was permanent but not on skin.
95% of it washes off so I would have fun writing on them, drawing targets and arrows.
Let see what else.
If they are into bondage I would tie them in stress positions which are basically very uncomfortable positions that they could not move from until I untied them.
Vampire gloves worked well with some.
When we did a wife swap my friend’s wife was into very heavy breast torture.
She kept telling me to do it harder and harder but I was not comfortable going that hard with someone I never played with before.
Sometimes girls will yell out things for you to do to them in the heat of the moment but they are not safe to do so you need to be careful.
Her breasts were already bruised from her husband and were all sorts of colors.
However, some girls love when you are rough with their breast while others are not into it.
Of course there is ejaculating on their face or even in their eyes.
You can force them to drink semen, lick your butt or anything else you can think of.
It's best to ask and tell so that it goes well.
You do not have to be very specific but you can say things like I do not like being slapped in the face or do not like hard breasts play.
I have been into BDSM for 47 years and we always played safe and sane.
We would discuss what we were both in the mood for and then the dom that night would get creative with what the sub said they would allow.
The best were the girls who said do whatever you want without asking first.
That takes a lot of trust.
I had rough sex with my wife’s girlfriend and she knew me well after 30 years of fetish sex.
I just told her do nothing that requires medical attention and left it up to her.
She always gave me a good experience, although painful. :)”
Real People Stories Of How They Make Dominant & Submissive Relationships Work For them.
Now so you would better understand how rough sex connects with romance and great relationships, I've collected more real life true stories that show it better than explaining:
“A Woman Who's Dominatrix In Life, Submissive In The Bed”
“You pretty much described my wife.
She has an absolutely driven, take charge personality and works in a professional field that keeps her extremely busy when she is on company time.
She is extremely accountable, habitually early for appointments, and never lets a detail slip.
When she wants to get something done she gets it done now.
In contrast: I’m far more relaxed and like to go with the flow (to paraphrase a movie, I’m taking it easy for all of those sinners out there).
I’m fine with leading but if taking charge is your thing that’s cool, I’ve got your back.
She earns way more than I do and while quite a few of my male friends can’t handle the thought of that, I also contribute to the best of my abilities and that’s fine with both of us.
It took us a while to figure this out.
Well, me anyway.
Maybe it took her just as long to figure out how to communicate it to me.
One night when I was on top of her she took my hand and placed it on her wrist above her head, the put her other hand next to it.
I pinned the other, she let out an audible gasp, and I finally understood what she needed.
She needed to give up control.
We’re not at levels I would describe as domination but I definitely take control more often now.
I put her where I want her.
I hold her down when I’m on top.
If I want to go down on her I grab her legs and pin them back.
When I’m behind her I squeeze a fistful of hair and she pushes her head back and gasps.
We’re still learning.
Every now and then I come up with something new to try and see if she likes it.
It’s usually pretty tame by comparison to a lot of the things I read on here, but if it reinforces the dynamic reversal in some small way then it’s worth a try.
The most daring I’ve ever gotten was one night where I made her beg me to do certain things, or wouldn’t do them unless she declared my ownership of certain body parts.
It was well received in the moment but I haven’t really found a good time to try it since.”
“I (29 year old male) don’t enjoy being rough and dominating, but it seems like that’s THE way women want to have sex right now.”
This is a story that really explains the opposite side. It's okay if you're not into rough sex.. it can be a man or woman.
Just try it once, explore your interests, comfort zone and then decide…
“I really like sex. It’s rad. I love feeling good and I love making my partner feel good.
But I don’t want to do the rough sex thing anymore.
It doesn’t do anything for me.
It does a lot for my partners — I can absolutely tell that roughness and domination turns them on — but whenever I do it I feel like I’m pretending to be someone else.
I feel like I’m roleplaying every time I have sex, and it’s gotten to the point where I just want to feel like I’m myself again.
The sex I want is sex that happens because the people involved are just incredibly attracted to one another in every way possible.
When you introduce choking and scratching and bleeding and using demeaning words like “whore” and “slut”, I feel like that kind of steals the spotlight.
The sex becomes about that and not about the connection. At least for me.
I’m not trying to make myself out as the victim here.
I’m the one who’s been making the stupid decision to pretend I’m into something that I’m not into, because the people I keep getting into relationships with really enjoy the thing.
Another reason I keep trying to get into it is because it seems like the manly thing to do.
Strong men have no problem being dominant.
Strong men get what they want.
Strong men make women want to submit to them.
If you can’t do that then you’re not a strong man.
I know that logically there are women out there who enjoy ‘making love’ instead of just straight-up fucking all the time, or being ‘used’, or however it’s phrased.
But I’m having a lot of trouble meeting them.
I want my partner to be happy and to get as much pleasure as possible out of sex, but I think I’ve reached a point where I can’t keep pushing myself into filling a role that I have zero passion for.
I guess I’m here to ask if anyone’s been through something similar — feeling a weird sort of self-pressure to be something you’re not, in order to make your partner happier in bed.
The type of woman I’m into really seems to like being dominated, so I’m pretty sure if I stop filling that role, it’s going to get harder for me in some ways.
But maybe it’d be worth it.
I don’t know. I feel lost.”
Bringing It All Together
To make rough sex work successfully can be a challenge.
First of all, you need to have a partner who is opposite of you.
You gotta have polarity.
You gotta know what's your natural state — dominant or submissive?
And you gonna know what your partner likes.
Communication goes long way.
But you know this already. Or just ignore it all and just get a blowjob robot, it's always easier to have pleasure by yourself.
I hope these stories helped to shed some light to good/bad sides of rough sex…
Why women like it? Why some women hate it?
Why some men don't like it?
And how it all connects in beautiful, happy relationships…